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Aug. 13th, 2011


Writer's Block: True love waits

If you are dating someone who says they aren’t ready to commit, would you wait? How long?

If any relationship got to the point where I thought I couldn't live without this person being in my life and taking care of me when I was down and vice versa, and they said they weren't ready...It'd rip my heart in half and I wouldn't waste my time.

my love is slow to grow anyway, then to go through all the heartache that it is to fall in love...I'd be more upset at myself and I wouldn't trust that person with my heart. I figure you should damn well know when you love someone, if you know who you are too begin with.

Jul. 28th, 2011



Does anyone know of any other songs by Train? Do they have an album other than Drops of Jupiter?
Why? you ask, simply because I only have heard that song that goes on the radio every other day!

Jun. 21st, 2011

Evil Feeling

I found out what they do with meat...

In very supermarket across the US, there are butchers cases and tidy piles of meat sitting in cellophane packages. A rough guess would put at least five to ten heads of cattle in these neat little rows of plastic.
Everyday people go in and purchase meat for either daily consumption or for planning meals ahead of the week for family/friends/ or for themselves.

Now, all of this is perishable, it will eventually rot. After how many days do you think five to ten heads of cattle can stay fresh in a perfectly tempered environment like the supermarket? The FDA says that ground beef should be stored in a freezer within 1 to 2 days of purchase. 'Sell by' dates also are up to the supermarket to put on their packages as well, there is no standard that the FDA gives markets or producers.

What do they do with all of it? Well a little known fact is that once upon a time things like this used to donated to homeless shelters, but a homeless man got sick from day old bread and sued one of the providing markets and now everything gets thrown away in LOCKED trash units.

Meat however has a other special place it goes,all the "extra" parts get sent to animal recycling plants.
Oh goody! they grind up all the bits of rotting meat, some of these plants grind whole cows and then "render" the ground 'meats'. to render means to cook over low heat to release fat and juices from your protein.
the smell is foul.

Do you know how I know?

I live near one of these 'recycling plants' and the gross thing is, the product they produce is used in everything from soaps and lotions to make-up and floor polish.

my what a refreshing body wash we have here now.

Jun. 20th, 2011


Writer's Block: See you on the other side

If you could find out what happens after you die, would you want to know?

In a strange way, I feel that I have a vague sense of what it is like.

I used to have an intense longing to just be dead, or at least the expectation that I would be dead in a short about of years.

I've finally grown to the point where I don't feel the expectation of it, I think I might actually be afraid to die now, and it's not because I have a great love of my life that I want to live for, or children that would need me or even that my life is a wonderful piece of work, but simply because I have a hard time letting go of everything around me.

It seems so very tempting, being offered to know what it would be like. It's not something I would want to just to blunder into. Much less feel the need to know just because I want to see who was "right" about it either.
I actually feel that I would turn it down, I have no need to know until I actually die. I have my hopes, like everyone else, but is it fair to do that to myself? pin all my hopes on this ideal that I built for myself, when it could be very well not at all what i'm expecting?

Maybe death is so freeing to the soul because there is no more expecting, no more wondering, no placing beliefs on a prefect ideal we are simply free of all of what we love to place on ourselves.

in the end, we will be better for it.

May. 3rd, 2009

Smooth and Oh so Silky

Out of the negative thought spiral

So I'm feeling a lot better now.

Tomorrow I'm going with a couple of old friends of mine to a fair out near San Deigo. I'm sure it will be fun!

I re-read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and I cried again when Dobby died...and if you didn't know that I'M SORRY I JUST TOTALLY SPOILED IT FOR YOU!

and when Severus died...what a shity life man, Forever with an unrequited love that might of been had it not been for foolish youthful arrogance. SAD
and then he died, cast a fucking villian.

I just have way too much fucking sympathy for characters in these books...except Ginny, I hate her. LOLS

That in and of itself was fun. I also read Blood and Gold and found it to be the same sort of story i've read before from Anne Rice, just with more turmoil over to believe in god or not, but since she wrote a book about jesus, i'm sure she picked to believe in god.

I really can't tell my own future at all, but I don't think I'll ever go back to catholism. Who knows I might turn into an old hypocrit one day, but right now I see it as a no...

I have to admit that whole forgivness of all sins on your deathbed seems like a nice deal, Live a life of sin and greed then repent on your deathbed and get a pass go and land on free parking and collect a tidy pile of bills.

But I digress.

I read Amanda Plamer's birthday blog, and I actually was really interested in what she wrote to Robert Smith...Since I didn't get to see him at Cochella this year, I swear I will see them play again, Curious as hell to know what impressions The Great Smith imparted on her.

I've come to the conclusion I like her more now. I accecpt the fact that she sings better than me but hell not better than Elizabeth, but that suits her.
I felt so disappointed in the last Dolls album, for the four songs I liked there are still songs that I can't say I like at all.

On the other hand, The songs that I thought I didn't like of the Cure's newest album I actually really like. The reasons Why is one that I thought sounded off, something in the lyrics I thought, but as I gave it a second listen I found that I really liked the lyrics and I like the music too.

SO I lIkes it. <3

I actually did more easter eggs this year, but I still haven't got a camra because i'm lazy. LOL

I made afriend of mine into an egg. I didn't attempt to make everyone I know into eggs, frankly I can't eat eggs that often so it takes time to gather the shells up!

I can't find a cook book I made a few years ago, I know I had it up until a few months ago, But I just can't find it.

I really wanted to make a spice cake recipe I had in it. It uses BLACK PEPPER...IN A CAKE!

it's mind boggling and tastey.

I'll post it if I ever find it.

I hope I will.

I want to give everyone hugs!

Today I was in a really good mood, I thought I was going to be uber bitchy and not like the way the day was going to head, but as it pressed on I was having fun and I liked how the day was going.

I went out to dinner with my parents and it was all good. we went to olive garden and the food was good this time! I had chicken!

I always eat chicken... I think it's because beef is always so much more expensive. they should just raise less cows. I always wonder what happends to the meat and stuff that doesn't sell, what happens to it?

I always get sick to my stomach if I think they just toss it out because it went bad. that's so wasteful and disrespectful to the animal.

Either way I still have no idea what happens to it.

My brother said he may move back in june. I look forward for caring for my niecy! Amanda says she can talk babble now. She's four months and can babble 'mommy!'


I don't doubt it because Adrain was a freaking genius baby and spoke two languages in sentences at age two, and he walked at nine months.

Well it's like One I should at least try to sleep.

Mar. 25th, 2009


Charletto's meme


What does your username mean?
Sangrebloom is basically blood flower. I love the album and I picked it and it stuck. I have an attachment to it now, it reminds me of all the friends I made online, how much they mean to me and how much I care about them.
I love you guys.

Where were you born? Where do you live now, and with who?
I was born in a catholic hospital, which is pretty ironic now. It's in long beach California and it's still there. I live now in a small town between two funky cities. I live with my family again.

Are you taken or single? If taken, when did you meet? How long have you been together?

Do you have kids? If so, tell me about them! If not, do you think you want some eventually?
No I don't have any children, but I would love to have a child...or more. I love kids I love taking care of them.

Do you work? If so, what kind of job do you have? Do you like it? What's your dream job?
I work at the same sandwich shop as I have for the past year and two. :P I love my job, because I love the people I work with and have worked with. My dream job is to be a mother! heheh

Do you have any pets?
I have an old dog Pumpkin, a cat named Kit Rupert the General Mao the third of pettingdom (aka the cat of a thousand names or AKA 'kitty') and one bird named vanilla, sadly my older bird chocolate has passed from this earth into the other realm.

Who are your best friends? Who are some people you'll regularly be talking about in your entries?
Elizabeth, Sarah, Maria, Leanna, Krystal, John:'(, the cure pack, Nadia and her sons *older and CUTE ONE*,and so many more.

Do you have any siblings? What are you parents like? Are you close to your family?
Yes, I have two sisters and one brother. there are seven years between all the girls of the family, so between me and kaddie is seven years and between kaddie and Celine there are seven years. between me and my brother however, there is only the difference of one year and three days. My parents are catholic, that says a lot about them, but my mother has always liked witches as a rule. :) My dad however doesn't like anything out of the natural. He doesn't like ghosts and ghouls and anything like that. When I was younger I always wanted a cat, I thought me and kitty would make a great combination. but my dad didn't like cats, he thinks they are evil because their eyes shine. when I moved out I got a kitten and when I moved back I brought him home. now he deals with him. My mom has a touch of fancy to her, she likes the idea of painting and drawing, but she hasn't the talent for it. I've always tired hard to be good at it because she can't do it. I think it makes her feel good. My dad has a knack for words, but he's not the best at speaking, which is sort of ironic, he and I sometimes can't talk at all to each other. Even though we are all similar and different at the same time, we are surprisingly close knit. Even my brother that tried very hard to get us to hate him, is strongly bound by our love for one another *whether he likes it or not...*

What do you do for fun in your spare time?
I've started to read too much manga, I have a problem I think. I write the things in my head and I avoid making my bed. I like to think that I can draw and I like to think one day I'll build my own house with a hammer and saw. I'd fail though because it's not my knack, but I do love to make all sorts of snacks! I like to sew and grow things in dirt not that they have anything in common, but I guess it doesn't hurt!

Do you like to read? What kind of books? What's your favorite?
I love reading! I love to read! I have lots of books on history! I have a book of epithet that I like to re-read. I have books on religion of most kinds and my kind, I have normal books that I love like the pearl and to kill a mocking bird, I have all the harry potter books I love them too! I also have some books called Inkspell, that's a fun book too! I have sci-fi and Neil Gaiman he's hilarity! I have sherlock Holmes and of course MANGA! I have lots of manga...I love the girl mangas...you know the kind where boy meets girl and blah blah blah shit happens? I'M A SAP OK! and i have some horror manga too! right now I'm reading one called D-Gray man and I absolutely love love love Ayrstar Krory *ERISHED OUT NAME* but as the anti-vampire vampire, he's the best!

Do you like to play video games? What kind of games? What's your favorite?
YES! I love jewel quest! hehe I also love cooking mama, rune factory, and all the wussy DS games thar be! just not the puppy games...

Do you like to watch TV? What kind of shows? What's your favorite?
I like to watch house! Eureka and all the creepy ghost shows thar been on TV. I love the history channel but sometimes I can't stand Nat Geo when they show too much stuff on space and the end of the world and that sort of shit. it makes me sad.

Do you like to watch movies? What kind? What's your favorite?
yes!!! I love movies! I love those old classics like the warriors! *LOL! and Labyrinth, and the goonies and such! but I also love thrillers and stuff like Coraline and bee movie and you know which other movie I like which is totally weird EVERAFTER yeah that drew Barrymore flick!

Do you like to listen to music? What kind? What's your favorite band or singer? Favorite song?
I love the cure! it's my most favorite! but I also love stuff like muse and such and even those bastards the distortions, even if they won't add me to their friends list on myspace. just because I wasn't so enchanted by F. Either way I love their music regardless. It makes me cry. *Not a masochist*
I can't go into this very much, I'll be here all night describing how much I love one song and yet love this other song and never come to an end!

What are your religious/spiritual beliefs?
I was raised in catholic house. I really believe in Catholicism up until I hit seven, then it sort of passed out of my mind because Praying to god didn't make the monsters go away..Long story short, I saw things as a kid even if my house was new, eyes in the dark stair well. that's way if I'm not in my room by the time everyone is asleep I wait until it's very early in the morning to get to bed. ANYWAY around that time we had to move and I really stopped thinking about god or the devil I decided to look at the world. when I finally stopped the short shift of moving from a new apartment to new house, I was in the third grade and my parents thought it was time I did my first communion. I did it and thought for the first time "I don't agree." I couldn't agree with all of it. So then I started studying other peoples religions. I learned quickly that I and an affinity to Egyptian religion. It was elegant and poetic I thought. by the fifth grade I canned the whole "Egyptian" thing because I thought I didn't want to be alone trying to pray to Anubis or Isis. over the years I studied lots of things, I really liked the 12 fold path, and took that seriously for awhile. I started discovering who I was and found the reasons I had for being as i was. I should also mention at around seven I also gave up music. I hated it all I thought. Around middle school I started liking music again, I made a friend because I liked Kurt Cobain, and the cure. that year I started studying paganism. Now I know I believe in my pagan way, with a mix of ideas from all over the world and I still respect Anubis. :)

How do you feel politically?
Liberal Democrat. Even if I did vote for anyone younger than 17 to have their parents consent before having an abortion. All I know is that if my baby was having a baby, I would want to have a say in it and help guide the decision.

What are you favorite things to do online?
Read manga. RPG, check my e-mails, even if I don't get any. write my blogs do my meme's and listen to music and most of all think. every time I end up doing something online I feel my brain think of so many things! OH and LOok at my DA I watch ppl on there!

Anything else you can think to add!
I don't know, if there's anything else you want a long answer too you can just note me or pm me or however it works here!

Mar. 24th, 2009

Smooth and Oh so Silky

I miss john

It's getting closer to May. I'm scared of what may happen in life right now.

this year is so far very different from the last.

Leanna is getting married and It will be lovely.
I feel so happy for her.

Not to be overly cheesey or crappily poetic, but I really feel a deep and beautiful flower has bloomed in my heart because of this.

I laugh as I think this, but I'm very proud of her! She has become her own person and found someone she cares for! as herself and not someone she's pretending to be!

I'm feeling uneasy about my own heart. I'm tried of being alone, not alone in the sense of not having friends, I have them and I love them, but I want someone to love. I like being in love, I think that's why it's love. It's pointless to worry over something like this.

I know that and I hate it and desire it all the same.

I have to be so fucking complex.

I'm thinking I just have to give up! when I give up on shit, that's when it happens!

Right now I'm doing exactly what I did last year. I'm painting eggs.
I want a big collection of them and I'm hoping when there is finally a marker on john's grave, I can leave the John egg on it. There for you, because you are special to me, My great and lonely friend in the ground.

Paul says I haven't moved on, What the hell.

paul says too much stuff. He has stuff he has to move on with as well.

On the other hand, maybe this mood has more to do with the fact that I re- read john's myspace note again. He was trying to say too much with as little words as possible and I remember feeling so hurt by it. and the fact he myspaced me about it!

I honestly can't say I knew what to expect, Sarah did say he wanted to write me a letter. Thinking back I had made a friend two days before the accident, I had such a deep connection to her in that instant and I could tell whatever we had that day it was strong, but she couldn't read my fortune. I thought it was the weirdest thing in the world. How can you end up getting a blank card and a blank rune.

I feel now, looking back at that, I think the world was trying to say I didn't have the right to know what 'may' of happened.

All the card say is what 'may' happen and what maybe you should do. They are your third perspective. They are the needle on your compass. The harder you try against what they warn, you only damn yourself.
Not like if you don't do this you end up in a horrible situation, but more like If you don't accept that the relationship you have is bad, you may get hurt.
Like that Rhianna girl taking back her beating boyfriend. She got beat, that's a bad sign, but she doesn't believe that and takes him back. *like I know who the hell she is*
I did a spread for my cousin's new wife. They told her to be kind to her step daughter, that will lead to happiness, let go of jealousy that would lead to sadness.

i haven't done one for myself since I ran away from my home years now ago. The cards told me that I had to make a choice, and from that choice I would be very happy. That I was, for a while I was.

I'm naturally a little more introspective that most, I think of too much shit all the time, I bring myself down sometimes because I loose faith in humanity.

If I believe in anything, I belive in the good of people, I want to believe everyone has greater intentions than evil, and greater love for others than lust.

I was touched really when Cary told me that He and his family Care for me. I know it was I used the word "care" a little...carelessly, in saying that cary didn't care that we were very busy.

Nonetheless I was touched.

Too bad his rotten mood killed that. I don't understand how he can stress himself out over nothing at all. honestly I can feel it when he gets his own blood pressure rising, it's like...Spider sense!

Anyway, I shouldn't listen to shoegaze while revisiting the recent past.

Peace out all.

Are You Going to Heaven or Hell?

You Are Going to Heaven
You're so saintly you're practically an angel, and there's no other place for you than heaven.
You are always concerned with doing the right thing. You consider being a good person a joy... not a burden.

You're not perfect, and you don't expect anyone else to be. You are ethical without being sanctimonious about it.
You are happy with yourself and the decisions you've made. And that's what's important.

Wow then...It's funny.
I was always told I was, I put up with alot of shit, but hell, I'm going to heaven. LOL Not bad for being a pagan!

Jan. 29th, 2009



So I made my appointment for a mammogram...I'm only 23 and I have to get one...

I started taking pills again too, I got an inhaler that works better than the old one.

the other night I went out drinking and smoking with Sar. We ended up in the same parking lot what we tried getting wendy's in with John and Allison. I think she feels comfortable there.

There in the numbed feeling, we sat and talked. I think she really did love Rob. The way she talked about him, it was with the shimmer of something deeper than lust. She was almost poetic, even when the conversation devianted into darker seedier conversation. When she wants she can really put together an conversation. Sometimes it feels like all she wants is to bounce her idea's off another mind, to make sure the idea or belief is sound, but beyond that she's a good friend. I'm hoping to lure her out into a different enviorment that what she's used to. I know she'd like it, it's what she used to do before with Rob. She wants to bury herself into a reckless party girl, I think she wants to die in a 'canary feather dress and her hair a perfectly careless mess'

RIght now i'm following her lead, only because I only ever did reckless things with John. I miss that part now, because I miss him.
I know I shouldn't smoke too, Bad for the lungs...So I've resolved not to anymore, even if it is like once every couple of months, I'm sure I've gotten worse second hand smoke from John...

The Doctor asked for how long I was exposed to second hand smoke... I answered for as long as I was friends with John. I laughed as I said it, I'm sure he thinks we aren't friends anymore, ah but what does he know! he's only a friggin' doctor.

The lady in the ad next to the window is annoying...Zap. Bang Done your annoying...and your shoes are 'HEDEEOUS!'

Peace out, time for my mommy's blood test.

Dec. 24th, 2008


the Magic of baby Jesus


Not what you think first of all.

But my dad was watching UNIVISION, the latino americano channel and they of course, being today is the 24th, were showing a movie about Jesus as a toddler. The kid couldn't of been more than Five, but he looks into the camara with intensity and then he does all sorts of mini miracles, of course all the Romans look like modles, but they act like animals. there was this EPIC FIGHT. Up stairs, down stairs, throwing chairs and such, all for it to end in a stalemate. It was like watching live action anime, but everyone is speaking spanish.

All and all it's disturbing to have this little kid spout all these words of wisdom and such and the mini Miracles too...

In other news, I got a foot care kit, a candle, and a powder.

Other than that I think I have to go to a doctor. I've not been all that well.

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